


Back to Bed

by lha



Series: Back and There Again [1]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Culmetca, Episode: s01e06 Lethe (Star Trek: Discovery), Episode: s01e07 Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad, Episode: s01e08 Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Post-Episode: s01e05 Choose Your Pain, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-01-30 10:10:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12651456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lha/pseuds/lha
Summary: It's late and someone needs to come back to bed.A series of insights and snippets into an unusual relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

Even in the middle of the night, staring out of a viewport alone with his thoughts and as naked as the day he was born, Gabriel Lorca looked like a Starfleet officer. Paul watched him from the entrance to the bedroom for several minutes, but the other man’s usually uncanny ability to sense when there was someone observing him seemed to have failed. 

“Come back to bed,” he said eventually, “Hugh says he can’t worry about people in two different places and sleep at the same time.” The tense shoulders jumped but like so many other things about Gabriel, it was caught and locked down. 

“Sorry,” he said turning to look at him, “I wasn’t sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Well you are, so come on.” He didn’t turn away but held a hand out, and waited for the other man to move. 

“Maybe I should just…”

“If I have to get out of bed…” Hugh grumbled from the other room and just loud enough for Gabriel to hear. 

“Come on,” Paul said, “you get to be piggy in the middle tonight. No more slinking away.” As the pair of them made it back to the bedroom, Hugh rolled over to the far side of the bed and held up the covers. 

“Mmm, you’re cold,” Hugh said as they settled, “and exhausted.” Paul could feel the tension still radiating from Gabriel even lying down and turned onto his side meeting Hugh’s gaze over the top of the other man. “Roll over,” the doctor whispered, urging Gabriel onto his side, and draping a possessive arm over his hips, “just close your eyes, we’ve got you and you’re safe.”

“Stop thinking so loudly Gabe,” Paul encouraged, snuggling forward and sliding his knee between Gabriel’s legs and tucking his head beneath the taller man’s chin. It didn’t take long for the three of them to find a comfortable tangle and eventually, the tension seemed to drain away from the sculpted muscles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was born from some slightly tongue-in-cheek chat but I'm enjoying the universe that it comes from! Bonus points if you know where the opening line sprang from.  
> I hope you've enjoyed and would love to hear your thoughts either way here or on twitter - @LHA_again  
> Lx


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after S1:e05 - Choose Your Pain

Hugh was lying in bed listening to the sound of Paul breathing and knowing that he wouldn’t sleep. It had been an horrific day, two days really and while they were all at least back on the ship he couldn’t help but think about how badly wrong it could have gone. He didn’t know what Paul had been thinking when he’d injected himself with that DNA but he was confident that love had been involved somewhere. The news that Gabriel had been captured had sent his stomach through the floor and given the circumstances he’d barely had a chance to say five words to Paul and they’d all been about the bloody tardigrade.

“I’m fine,” Paul mumbled into his shoulder, “would you please relax.”

“Sorry love, I just…”

“You’re fretting.” There was a pause. “Gabe was released?” 

“Back to his quarters, but not cleared for duty. Before when I said about Captain’s always being in danger...”

“I know you didn’t mean it like that,” Paul said, his hand stroking Hugh’s chest through his soft cotton top, “and you know that as soon as he get’s within five feet of me, Gabe will tear me a new one for that stunt. Particularly since we were only there to get him out in the first place.”

“And so he should,” Hugh said carding his hand through Paul’s hair. 

“Is he ok?” The question was quiet. 

“I… I don’t really know. He was… classic Captain Lorca. T’Pel stood me down so Mark was the one to examine him, while she was treating you. I wanted to…” Hugh choked suddenly. He’d been so torn, knowing that he was best to let the CMO look after Paul and that it wasn’t appropriate for him to hover over Gabriel’s shoulder. “I checked the notes, but they don’t say much. He dodged most of the questions.”

“Do you want to go see him?” Paul asked.

“I’m not leaving you on your own.”

“I don’t mind if you want to go see him, I don’t trust his self reporting any more that you do.” It wasn’t that Mark was incompetent but he was young and Gabriel was a master of misdirection. “Get him to come back here if you can, that way you might actually get some rest.”

“Are you sure?”

“Go already.”

Hugh pulled on his uniform trousers and t-shirt before he walked the short length of corridor between their doors. There wasn’t much traffic at this time of night but he didn’t think it would do any of them any favours if he was caught loitering in front of the Captain’s quarters in his pyjamas - Starfleet issue or not. He rang the chime and waited. And waited and waited. He’d been released specifically to his quarter so he shouldn’t have been anywhere else and while he could be sleeping Hugh just wasn’t convinced. He entered in his medical override clearance and when the door opened, he stepped carefully into the dark. 

“Gabriel?” he called quietly once the doors were closed behind him. There was no answer so he crept towards the bedroom, hoping to find the other man fast asleep but the bed was empty. 

“Hugh?” The quiet question came from the corner of the room and he turned towards the voice.

“It’s me.”

“You shouldn’t be here,” Gabriel sounded positively exhausted, “you… you should be with Paul.” 

“Paul’s sent me through to check on you.” 

“I’m fine.”

“Well I’m glad you think so.” Even at a distance, he could hear how uneven his breathing was. “Can I come closer?”

“You should go back. I’m fine.”

“So you said, I just want to make sure for myself.” He moved slowly, careful to flag his moved as he pulled out the scanner. 

“Really, it’s just some scrapes and bruises. I cracked a rib and I wasn’t able to treat my eyes for a few days.” 

“Have you taken the painkiller Mark prescribed?”

“Yes.”

“Has it helped?”

“Not much.” It wasn’t like Gabriel to admit to anything so this admission was either a sign of just how exhausted he was or something else. Hugh had seen the records and knew that the dose was a hefty one, though it wasn’t the compound he would have chosen. 

“Would you like something to help you sleep?” he offered, knowing that the term _relax _would be counterproductive. Not only Gabe’s current position with his back pressed up against the corner, but also the phaser he was cradling on his knees, were good indicators of his state of mind.__

__“Not really.”_ _

__“Well, I’m not about to leave you sitting in the dark with nothing but that phaser for company,” he said softly, leaning up against the other man’s arm._ _

__“You need to go back… is... Will Paul be alright?” Hugh sighed, the pair of them were as bad as each other._ _

__“He’s stable for the time being. What the long term effects might be…” he trialled off, trying to manage the ball of terror climbing up from his stomach. “It was an impossible situation,” he continued after a moment, “the details of which you can hear about after you’ve been cleared for duty. Now, we can both sit here and worry about Paul while he worries about you, or you can come back with me, and we might all be able to get some sleep.”_ _

__“I may… I don’t know how settled I’ll be… I wouldn’t want to hurt him.”_ _

__“He’s healed up better than you have, I should know, I’ve scanned him fifteen times since he was released.” Hugh pushed himself up and then reached down to help the other man stand, taking the phaser and securing it. “I’m so glad you’re back,” he said quietly stepping in and gently wrapping his arms around Gabriel’s solid form._ _

__“That makes two of us,” he admitted, his forehead resting on Hugh’s shoulder._ _

__“Well then, let’s get back to Paul so he can be glad too.” He placed a gentle kiss on Gabe’s cheek, stored the weapon securely in it’s drawer and all but led the older man by the hand to the door. “Ok?” he asked, knowing that the walk along the corridor would have to be made professionally._ _

__“After you Doctor,” the Captain said._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was at least a little longer...  
> What I'm also learning is that I cannot write smut. Or even fluff really.   
> Oh well, maybe next time ;)  
> Thanks for reading - I hope you've enjoyed and I'd love to here your thoughts here or over on twitter - @LHA_again  
> Lx


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set in and around S1:E6 - Lethe

Gabriel had been avoiding the pair of them for the last week and trying not to think too hard about why. That first night he was back on the Discovery, when Hugh had appeared out of the dark and taken him back into their bed, he had realised how easy it would to open up and let them in. To allow himself to be comforted and looked after. But Paul’s blunt questioning and Hugh’s perceptive silences, were far harder to resist than Doctor T’Pel’s assessment or Saru’s nervous skittering. So he stayed locked up in his ready room or the weapons lab, he worked late and started early and when he couldn’t sleep, when the shadows were teaming with threats and his instincts were screaming that something was wrong, he tried not to think about whether there was an alternative.

When Katrina had turned up he’d known he was in trouble, that she wouldn’t have come out all this way unless she had intentions of bringing things to a head. He’d been right of course, and she was far more intent than even he’d expected. It was a last ditch effort when he’d derailed the conversation by making what could at best be considered an ill conceived sexual advance and Gabriel was astounded when she removed her badge and accepted his offer. He had rarely felt less aroused in his life, and he suddenly realised that delivering on his own promise might be difficult. At one point Gabriel had enjoyed the time he’d spent with Katrina greatly and never more than when they were between the sheets but tonight, he just couldn’t seem to respond. He didn’t want her gentle hands, didn’t want her curves he just wanted it to be over, for her to leave and allow him to get on with the business of running his ship and winning the damned war. But now, this was just another hurdle to overcome, a mission to be completed as part of the bigger effort.

Knowing Katrina as a lover was the only thing that saved him; Gabriel knew how to make her writhe, how to push her to the edge and how to make her lose her reason. He captured her wrists, taking control and using every ounce of his drive and focus to ensure that she was in no state to notice how he was or wasn’t reacting. He made the expected noises as he arched and pressed a thigh between her legs. He stroked and caressed her with his free hand before he kissed a trail down down to her core. His only hope was in leaving her insensate, incapable of moving or thinking and he put everything he could into the task. Dragging it out, leaving her gasping and groaning over and over until he eventually allowed her to tumble over the edge and into oblivion. 

He hadn’t anticipated falling asleep himself but despite the fact that he hadn’t come close to his own release, the emotional fall out seemed to blindside him and what followed was an unmitigated disaster. Circumstances saved him this time when Katrina was the natural choice to replace Sarek for the meeting with the Klingons. He’d hoped that the time for the mission would let him fathom a way out of this, but despite it all he certainly hadn’t wanted this. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone never mind Katrina. He knew this was a crisis point, he knew that her concerns hadn’t been without foundation, after all he’d been hiding the truth from so many people for so long now that even he realised that something was wrong. He’d spent that night pressed back into the darkest corner of his quarters with his finger on the trigger as he waited for something he couldn’t name.

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Was Stamet’s first question when Gabriel had entered his lab the next afternoon.

“Is that relevant to this meeting, Lieutenant?” he asked, before pressing on, “No, I don’t think so either. So, shall we?” Paul looked at him pointedly but didn’t say anything further. He thought that he might have gotten away with it, until Hugh arrived in his ready room to deliver a report in person an hour later.

“Come to dinner. Stay,” the doctor suggested, standing close enough that something intangible in Gabriel sang in response. “Please?” He’d nodded before he’d even made the decision and then spent the next two hours regretting it. He’d so nearly not gone, made an excuse or simply commed them to say he wasn’t going to join them. But in the end he couldn’t resist the draw any longer and found himself standing at their door. 

Dinner was stilted though, he couldn’t seem to relax and there was so much unsaid between them all that Gabriel had struggled to bravado his way through it.

“Let’s get a comfy seat,” Hugh suggested once they’d eaten. They moved over to the couch and Hugh angled himself towards Gabriel, looking at him with concern written all over his face. “I,” he began after a moment, glancing over to where Paul was clearing the table, “we, are concerned. You’ve been avoiding us Gabe,” he said seriously. “I don’t know what happened when you were away, taken, but it’s obviously still affecting you…” There were klaxons going off inside Gabriel’s head, panic running through his veins, it was like Katrina all over again.

“I…” he began, pausing for a fraction of a moment before knowing what it was he had to do, “There’s a lot going on and you’re right, I’ve been... struggling.” 

“Then let us help, please,” Hugh said, reaching over and placing a hand on Gabriel’s thigh.

“It’s ok to ask for help, you don’t have to be _the Captain _all the time Gabe,” Paul said, coming and sitting on his other side.__

__“It’s not so easy to turn it off,” Gabriel said with a self conscious dip of his head. “I’ve missed you both so much but…”_ _

__“We were here,” Paul said, “our door is always open.”_ _

__“Please don’t feel like you have to stay away, to keep things hidden” Hugh added. Gabriel looked up, meeting the doctor’s eyes and hoping he was conveying the smouldering he was trying to stoke within himself. He wanted this so desperately, he wanted to be held, to be safe but that wouldn’t stop the questions. Reaching up he kissed Hugh gently, raising a hand to cup his cheek. The other man responded in turn, tilting his head to deepen the kiss and running his hand up Gabriel’s side and into his hair._ _

__Gabriel tried to pour everything into it, desperate to build the passion into something that would leave them speechless. Hugh was making delightful little noises and Paul shifted behind Gabriel in response, turning side on and tucking his leg against the back of the sofa so that he could press closer to them. Gabriel in turn tilted his hips back until he could feel Paul’s arousal pressing into his hip. The moan in his ear sent a shiver down his spine but that’s where it ended. He wanted desperately to feel something, he knew he should but there was nothing but anxiety and fear of what would happen if he couldn’t distract them. He ran a hand down Hugh’s front, stroking the already hardening flesh beneath the fabric until the other man was panting, trying to pull him closer, searching for more friction._ _

__Paul’s hands had worked their way beneath his top, playing with his nipples in a way that normally would have sent Gabriel rocketing closer the edge, but now was just painful. Arching into the gesture felt unnatural but he did it anyway only to feel Hugh’s hands begin to wend their way purposefully downward. Gabriel managed to divert them, guiding his arms over his shoulders towards Paul and breaking the kiss to lean his forehead on Hugh’s shoulder. The couple met over his shoulder in a searing kiss while Gabriel tried to catch his breath but suddenly, there were hands dipping lower pressing, squeezing and then freezing at his total lack of response. His blood ran cold as he felt a drastic shift behind him;_ _

__“Gabe?” Paul asked obviously shocked. “What the fuck?”_ _

__“Give me a minute,” Gabriel said, trying for exasperated humour._ _

__“What?” Hugh asked, his lips swollen and his pupils blown. He blinked, looking from Gabriel to Paul and back._ _

__“He’s totally limp, not a twitch.”_ _

__“Surely you’re not naive enough to think that means anything,” Gabriel countered hostilely. “I’ll get there, I’m not as young as either of you.”_ _

__“That’s never been a problem before. No, you’re faking it aren’t you?”_ _

__

__“What?” Hugh asked again, “No, Gabriel… you wouldn’t? If you weren’t…” Turning he looked back to Paul, “Just because there’s no erection doesn’t mean there’s no arousal.”_ _

__“Look at him Hugh, actually look at him,” Paul was standing now radiating anger._ _

__“Gabriel?” Hugh asked him, the doctor emerging in his clinical gaze._ _

__“This was obviously a mistake,” Gabriel said, standing and moving away from them, “thank you for dinner.”_ _

__“Wait, please don’t go,” Hugh said. “We need to talk about this.”_ _

__“No, I really don’t think we do Doctor. My apologies if I misled you but I think we can call this experiment over.” Gabriel injected every ounce of loathing and distaste he could muster into the statement and turned smartly on his heel to leave. Just before he reached the door a hand caught his arm._ _

__“Come to bed,” Paul said quietly. “No pretending, nothing… nothing like that,” he gestured towards the couch where Hugh was still sitting. “Just… lie next to us. Try and get some sleep. We can deal with whatever it is in the morning. Together.”_ _

__“You think it’s going to be that simple?” Gabriel asked with a hollow, choked laugh._ _

__“No,” Hugh replied standing up and coming over to join them, “but it will be easier when you’ve had some rest. Then we’ll talk and set some ground rules.”_ _

__“The first of which is we never, ever initiate sex as a distraction technique or don’t make it clear if we aren’t in the mood.”_ _

__Gabriel’s mouth opened but he couldn’t force anything past the lump in his throat._ _

__“I…” he managed eventually, “I can’t… I can’t.”_ _

__“Then let us,” Paul said, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on the side of his mouth._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's stupidly late here so apologies for the inevitable mistakes. I have sort of succeeded with the smutt/fluff in this chapter so quite different from the rest of my writing.  
> I really hope you've still enjoyed it however and I'd love to hear your thoughts.  
> @LHA_Again  
> Lx


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the last chapter and before S1:e07- Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad.
> 
> It's been a four jump kind of day and Hugh's struggling.

When he heard the crash from the other room, Hugh’s stomach plummeted. 

“Paul? Love?” he called pulling his top on and heading back out to the living space, his hope for an early night receding even further into the distance. 

“Sorry, I was just looking for that thing we brought back…”

“Which thing?” he asked, trying not to sound as frustrated as he felt.

“The puzzle thing.” 

“I don’t think we brought it Love, it’s back in San Fran.”

“Oh. I want ice-cream.”

“We’ve already had dessert. 

“But we haven’t had ice-cream.”

“Paul…” It wasn’t his fault, if he’d been just another patient Hugh was sure he would have managed better but it had been an excruciatingly long day. They’d jumped in and out of two separate skirmishes and suffered significant damage and numerous casualties in the second. He just didn’t have the energy tonight to deal with this and when the door chime went, he was half tempted to sit down on the floor and cry. Paul seemed to sense that something had changed. 

“Shall we just pretend we’re not here?” he said quietly, coming over and wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his head in the juncture of Hugh’s neck.

“It might be Gabe... “ he said, taking a moment to relish in the comfort of the of the embrace before he went across to the door. “Hey,” he said, when the door opened to reveal the Captain. Gabriel looked very much like he had just left his ready room, still in uniform a stack of PADDS in hand and a box balanced carefully on top.

“Evening,” he said tentatively. Hugh stood away from the door and gestured for him to come in. “I wasn’t going to stay I just thought...” he stepped far enough in that the door could close behind him. They never lingered in doorways.

“Is that your tribble?” Paul interrupted, coming over and peering into the box the contents of which were now purring.

“It is,” Gabriel said lowering the box so the tribble was visible.

“Ohhh.” It was such a gentle exclamation and the scientist reached out towards the quivering fluffy ball with a look of absolute awe. “Can I hold it?”

“Of course,” Gabriel said, allowing him to reach in and pick it up. Hugh watched as Paul retreated back to the sofa, stroking the trilling creature. “I thought Merkin might be a suitable distraction while Paul is under the influence,” he added quietly.

“It looks like you were right,” Hugh said with a soft smile as his partner became entirely absorbed in running his fingers through the tribble’s fur.

“I also wanted to apologise. I know that multiple jumps aren’t good for him.”

“The Captain made that decision, and even I can see it was the right one. You don’t apologise for doing your job.” It was one of the ground rules they’d set out clearly.

“Just because it was the right decision to make as the Captain, doesn’t mean that I don’t regret the consequences. That I don’t see the effects.” 

“Well, I appreciate that,” Hugh said leaning in to place a chaste kiss on his cheek.

“You look exhausted,” Gabriel said reaching out and placing a hand on Hugh’s upper arm, his thumb stroking gently at his bare skin.

“It’s been a long day,” he admitted with a sigh “I was due off shift at oh-six-hundred this morning and then...” he gestured vaguely. “It’s alright though.”

“I thought we didn’t do that anymore?”

“What?”

“Say it’s ok when it’s not, you’re obviously struggling. Go to bed Hugh, I’ll stay with Paul till he’s more like himself.”

“No, it’s ok. You need to get some rest too.”

“There are things I need to do, and there’s no point in as all being awake. Go on, we’ll be alright.” 

“You won’t stay up too late? And if you’re concerned about anything just wake me up.” 

“We’ll be just fine,” Gabriel said, with a gentle smile, “you do remember that my day job is commanding a starship?”

“I just meant...” Hugh said flailing a little.

“I know. Now, get yourself some sleep, Doctor.” 

Hugh lingered for a moment at the entrance of the bedroom, watching as Gabriel unzipped his jacket and settled down at the table with his PADDs. The other man glanced across at Paul who was still carefully carding his fingers through Menkin’s fur and seemingly content that he was happily occupied looked directly at Hugh and made a shooing gesture. Leaving the pair of them to it, he crawled beneath the sheets and moments later he was fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you've enjoyed and thank you for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts here or on twitter @LHA_again  
> Lx


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after S01:E07 - Music to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad
> 
> Paul struggles with what he's seen.

Paul was well aware that since he’d injected himself with the tardigrade DNA and stepped into the spore drive, he hadn't always been entirely rational. The after effects of the jumps while entirely pleasant at the time, were unnerving and while everyone else seemed to find it mildly amusing that he was like an old fashioned stoner, Paul found the lack of control, the lower inhibitions. That being said, he was trying very hard to appear as rational and calm as he could.

“I just… I just need to see him… I know it’s not sensible or practical and I know you don’t understand but I just…” 

“Ok,” Hugh said holding up his hands, “ok, please just, try and take a proper breath for me.” His partner placed his palm on his chest and looked him straight in the eye. “I’ll call him, but I need you to try and stay calm.” Paul nodded, biting his lip and trying to follow Hugh’s instructions. He was so far beyond exhausted but every fibre in him was singing with tension. He’d lived 26 hours in the space of thirty minutes and while physically that was all it had been, emotionally and mentally he was utterly drained. 

“I just… he killed him Hugh, every single time. I mean… I managed to… After the first few times, when I realised what was going on I mean, I managed to lock you away. And Mudd didn’t care about you so I could make sure you were safe at least until he blew us all up and started again. But I couldn’t help Gabe, I just watched him dying over and over and over and I couldn’t know that this wouldn’t be the time Mudd got what he wanted or missed his reset and that he…”

 

“Shhhhh, it’s ok,” Hugh wrapped him in his arms, pulling him close and tucking Paul’s head into the crook of his neck and holding him there lips pressed against his cheek, “Gabe’s fine. I’m going to call him but we might need to be patient ok?” Paul whimpered, tears leaking out from between his lids. “Shhhh, that’s it,” Hugh murmured. “Doctor Culber to Captain Lorca,”

“Go ahead Doctor.” The response was quick but professional, the background noise certainly that of the bridge.

“Lieutenant Stamets is ready to provide an initial verbal report Captain,” Hugh said, sounding slightly frustrated, “but he’s really not fit to be on duty.”

“Understood, is he still in Sickbay?” 

“No, he’s been released back to quarters.”

“I’ll be there shortly. Lorca out.”

“Thank you,” Paul mumbled, clinging desperately to the back of Hugh’s jacket. 

“See, he’s here,” Hugh replied quietly, “and safe and cantankerous as ever no doubt.”

“I just… I need to see for myself.”

“Well he’s on his way, why don’t you go wash your face hmm?” Paul peeled himself away and did as Hugh suggested trying to pull himself together. When the door chime sounded though, he bolted back out to the sitting room to release the door.

“Woah,” Gabriel said staggering backwards with the force that Paul struck him with. He felt himself being bodily lifted up and walked further into the room so that the door could close behind them. 

“Gabe, Gabe, Gabe,” he said over and over, entwining himself as close as he could to the other man. 

“What...?” the Captain asked, turning to look at Hugh before back at Paul and obviously hoping for an explanation.

“He kept killing you,” Paul said, his lips brushing the edge of Gabriel’s uniform jacket, “and I couldn’t stop him, I just, I tried but he killed you over and over…”

“I’m here now though,” the other man said, hoisting him up so that Paul could just wrap his legs around him the way he’d been trying to. He walked them over to the couch and sat down so that Paul was effectively sitting on his lap. He wriggled for a moment until he found the most effective way to curl up and achieve the maximum surface area contact possible. “Paul, I’m here and I’m fine and I don’t even remember what happened. You have to think about it like a nightmare, something horrible and terrifying but not real. Those things never really happened.” 

“But I saw them! I saw you die and every time my heart was screaming and I couldn’t… I watched you die 47 times Gabe and I…” 

“Easy now, I’ve got you…” Gabriel said stroking his back gently. “I’m not sure if there’s anything I can say that will make this better, but please try to understand Paul: I’m so sorry that you had to see that but if it wasn’t for you, we would never even have known what had happened. You saved us all in then end, including me. And if you were there when I died all those times, then at least I wasn’t alone and I promise you that as long as you and Hugh and the others were safe I would gladly give my life.”

“Well let’s see if we can’t avoid that coming up, at least for a few days, huh?” Hugh suggested coming and sitting beside them and running his fingers through Paul’s hair. Paul sighed in response, burying his feet under Hugh’s thighs. “Come on you, you need to be in bed.”

“And I need to get back to…” Gabe began but he stopped when Paul grasped the material of his uniform like a vice and another inarticulate whimper escaped him. 

“I’m going to gently remind you that, even if I was willing to pry Paul away from you, that your shift finished three hours ago now and we’re not currently at any form of alert.”

“Well would you look at that, you’re right Doctor,” Gabriel said with a dry smle, “Lorca to the bridge, I’m going to call it a night Commander Ariam. You have the watch.”

“Aye sir,” she replied without hesitation. 

“Now Mr Stamets,” Gabe asked in mock seriousness when the comm had closed, “are you going to walk through to the bedroom under your own steam or are you going to make an old man carry you?” In response, Paul simply wrapped his arms more tightly around the other man’s neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! There were some really lovely moments between these three in episode 9 (which I wasn't expecting at all) but it's meant that I now have at least one more chapter after the one more chapter I had sketched out.  
> Anyway, thanks as ever for all your reviews, thank you for reading and please do let me know your thoughts here or on Twitter @LHA_again  
> Lx


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during episode 8 Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
> 
> Gabriel is trying to distract himself while Paul is trying to dodge everyone else's questions.

Gabriel had meant what he’d said about there being time to mourn later; there just wasn’t time now to be caught up in astronomical loss like that of the Gagarin, and he certainly couldn’t afford to go through the door that it had opened. This wasn’t the first ship he’d seen go down with all hands, or most hands anyway and that was a vortex he simply couldn’t afford to be sucked into now. With so many of his senior and trusted staff off the ship he hadn’t been able to slink off and that might have been a good thing. By the time he was able to escape the bridge he could feel the anxiety bubbling under his skin and knowing that he had to do something to distract himself, this had seemed like an obvious choice.

The simulator was limited, there were only a set number of pre-programed possibilities and unless there were several members of the tactical team manning the controls the scenarios became repetitive and easy to predict. Tonight he was relying solely on the computer but he kept the program running, over and over. He shot the Klingons coming at him, lashing out with the butt of his rifle and then his fists when those were all he had left. Eventually the computer would tell him that he was a fatality and reset to start again. Gabriel wasn’t sure how many times he went through the process but when the combatants disappeared from around him and didn’t reappear he realised that something had gone wrong. He moved into the ante-room, his rifle hanging limply by his hand as he moved over to the primary control console. 

“I’ve encrypted it,” came a tired drawl from behind him and Gabriel turned around to look at Paul who was leaning up against the wall, arms crossed and foot flat against the wall. Gabriel raised his eyebrow and rested on his irritated Captain persona. “Don’t, just don’t even try,” came back the low response. 

“For any particular purpose?” he asked.

“Well Hugh’s working Beta tonight, so I figured someone should probably come and drag you away from work. Only, you’re not so much working as getting yourself beaten to a pulp.” 

“It’s a simulation Paul.”

“Yeah, which you’ve been running constantly for the last two hours and seventeen minutes.”

“Are you trying to make a point?” 

“You know I am and currently I’m too knackered to spell it out.” Gabriel looked at the other man for a moment and saw the utter exhaustion that was oozing from his every pore. 

“Want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked gently, standing down from his own personal red alert.

“Nothing’s going on, I’m tired and I can’t deal with your self destructive tendencies tonight.” There was more than that though, Gabriel had suspected for awhile that there was more going on than Paul was admitting; since their encounter with Mudd and his time chrystal, the euphoria that had been the most obvious fall out of Paul’s involvement with the spore drive had dissipated but Gabriel hadn’t believed for a moment that there was nothing else going on. Taking a moment to dock his gun, Gabriel considered his next approach.

“I understand that you don’t want to worry Hugh, but I need to know what’s really going on.” 

“It’s not just that.”

“Then what is it?”

“I.. I made the decision. I was the one to inject myself, I was the one that broke the rules.”

“Yes,” Gabriel agreed, “but that doesn’t mean you should be dealing with the consequences yourself.”

“So what? I tell Hugh and he has to chose between depriving Discovery of its spore drive to send me back to Starfleet Medical or his career?!”

 

“And you’re not being honest with me why?”

“I don’t want to put you in that position either.”

“Do you honestly think that I have a career when this war is over?”

“Gabe…”

“No. I may be a myopic slave driver and entirely single minded when it comes to winning this war, but don’t for a minute think that I am not aware of the consequences that wait for me.” 

“No…” Paul protested plaintively.

“Tell me,” Gabriel said flatly.

“I’m just tired..”

“And I’m the Queen of Sheba.” It was a phrase his mother had used and Paul gave him an odd look. “Look, as your Captain I need to know the condition of a key component of the drive, as well as a key member of my crew.”

“And as Gabe?”

“I’m terrified about the effects this is having on you.”

“I’m fine, really.”

“Does your Captain need to order you to tell him what’s really going on?”

“No…”

“What happened with Mudd…” They hadn’t really talked about it since that first night when Paul had been so uncharacteristically needy, “there’s obviously something about you that’s different, that meant you kept your memories of what had been happening.” There was a long moment of silence.

“I… sometimes it feels like…” Paul faltered, “It feels like I’m apart, that I’m removed from everything. I blink and suddenly it feels like I’m not… that I’m.. like everything I know is just not quite right but… I don’t know.”

“Ok, well given what we do know that makes sense,” Gabriel said, steeling himself against the slightly unexpected wave of cold terror at the confirmation of his his suspicions. 

“Tilly’s monitoring me.”

“Oh well, if the least qualified person on board is monitoring you then…”

“Gabe.” There was a clean warning in the tone and he threw a hand up in acknowledgement only for his tired muscles to protest loudly. Every sinew in him was pulled taught, and he took a moment to breathe before he spoke again;

“You’ll let me know if she notes anything significant? If there’s any change?”

“And you’ll come back with me and get some sleep?”

“I’m not sure how well that’s going to work,” Gabe acknowledged, knowing the likelihood of a settled night was almost non-existent given the day they’d had. 

“You look ready to to drop.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“Well, I need to sleep and I’d really like you to come lie down with me.”

“I need to shower and…”

“We have a bathroom.”

“You’re becoming quite demanding aren’t you Mr Stamets?”

“I learnt from the best.” Gabe looked at Paul standing there with a resolute look on his face even as he slouched against the wall. 

“Well then Lieutenant, after you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to hear* your thoughts. Here, or on twitter @LHA_again  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Lx
> 
> *edited - Poor form me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set shortly after Chapter 6 and still during Episode 8: Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum

Hugh had had a quiet Beta shift, which was a pleasant change as he’d managed to get on with some of the everyday tasks that often got pushed to one side. Despite the fact that day and night were such nominal constructs on a starship, he was always much more tired at the end of a back shift than a standard alpha shift. His jacket was already unfastened when he keyed his way into their quarters and a little knot of concern he always carried, dissolved when he saw Paul and Gabriel lying spooned together. Changing into his pyjamas and brushing his teeth was done at double quick pace, knowing that there was only a few hours left before the boys needed to be up. 

There was less consistency in their sleeping habits than Hugh had expected them to form, possibly because their working patterns were inconsistent and that despite his best efforts Gabriel regularly withdrew for several nights at a time. Tonight, Paul was laid along one side of the mattress with Gabriel curled protectively behind him making it easy for Hugh to find his spot. Carefully lifting the duvet, he slipped between the sheets and shuffling across, slotted his knees behind Gabriel’s and draped his arm over both of them, tucking his hand beneath the waist of Paul’s pyjama bottoms. Gabriel was predictably bare chested and Hugh enjoyed the warmth of his skin as he settled down and allowed sleep to come.

The first thing that registered through Hugh’s slumber was the unnatural rise and fall in the skin beneath his palm. His first thought was Paul, but quickly he realised that at some point during the intervening hours they’d moved and rearranged themselves. Gabriel had starfished, pushing them both away and was lying on his back with Hugh’s hand the last contact between any of them. There was another shudder beneath his fingertips and Hugh moved from that almost awake place to actual consciousness in a flash. Even in the dark Hugh could see the frown and the tension in Gabriel’s face as his head tossed back and forth, feel the sweat rolling off of him and hear his rapid uneven breaths. On the far side of the mattress Paul was comatose, he’d always slept soundly and any day that involved the ship jumping left him exhausted.

“Gabriel?” Hugh said, pushing himself onto his side but keeping his distance. “Gabriel, you’re on Discovery, I’m here and you’re safe. What you’re seeing is a dream, a nightmare, it’s fine…” This wasn’t the first nightmare that Gabe had had while he’d been sleeping with them. It was rare that he slept through the night even when they managed to drag him into bed but mostly they were so suppressed that they barely knew it had happened before he’d managed to wake himself and often left the bed. Tonight though, the well was deeper or Gabriel was so tired that he just couldn’t claw his way out. Hugh kept up a constant quiet calm stream of reassurance, but despite knowing that touching Gabriel was likely to end badly, the instinct to reach out and comfort him, to try and wake him from this obvious torment was strong.

“No!” The plaintive gasp was accompanied by a fiercer movement which in turn woke Paul enough that he turned over in his sleep, reaching out to pull Gabriel close. Hugh, realising what was going to happen, tried to intercept but he was too late and almost as soon as Paul’s arm settled across him, Gabriel turned into a wildcat. Instinctively, Hugh rolled off the mattress and landed crouched on the floor, ready to move. There was a smack as someone made contact with someone else and then Paul cried out in pain; 

“Wha…?! Gabe!” Pulling himself up, Hugh could see that Paul had taken a blow to the face and was now wrestling to try and free himself from Gabriel’s grasp. The elder man had flipped to pin his attacker down, pressing his shoulders back into the mattress and holding him at arm’s length while his knees gripped Paul’s hips. While Gabriel’s eyes were now open however, Hugh was pretty sure he wasn’t seeing what was actually in front of him. 

“Paul you need to be quiet and try not to fight,” he said firmly, rounding the bed. Paul glanced over at him, obviously anxious but lowered his arms and clearly trying to let himself relax. “Gabriel?“ Hugh continued in his gentle tone, crouching down so he was at the same level as them, “You’re on Discovery it’s just Hugh and Paul here, you’re ok. It’s only a nightmare nobody is going to hurt you or anyone else Gabe, it’s ok, it’s ok...”

“P… Paul?” Gabriel stuttered after what felt like minutes, his chest still heaving and his arms beginning to shake. 

“Hey there,” Paul replied, reaching up and placing a gentle hand on one of the taught arms still pinning him down. Gabriel let go immediately, sitting back on his haunches and blinking back at Paul, his confusion plain. Paul pushed himself up onto an elbow, using the other hand and his pyjama top to wipe the blood from his face. All the while Gabriel watched him silently.

“I…” he said eventually, his breath hitching. “I…”

“Gabe?” Hugh asked, but suddenly Gabriel lurched, clamping a hand to his mouth and scrambling off the bed and towards the bathroom. Following him, Hugh was just in time to see Gabriel lean over the basin and be violently sick. 

“Oh love,” he barely breathed, crossing the distance between them.

“Sorry,” Gabe murmured before another series of retches overtook him

“Shhh… Easy now…” he encouraged, rubbing a gentle hand down his back as the waste recycler did it’s work. Gabriel was shaking like a leaf and as this wave passed it seemed increasingly like the only thing keeping him up was his Hugh and the sink. 

“Hey,” Paul appeared at the door holding a blanket and a glass of water. His nose seemed to have stopped bleeding at least. 

“Mind reader,” Hugh said reaching for the blanket with a gentle smile. “Are you ok?” he asked. 

“Pretty sure that nothing’s broken. Just a bit of a knock.” 

“Sorry,” Gabriel almost panted, his forehead resting against the mirror, “sorry, I didn’t….”

“Hey, it’s ok Gabe,” Paul said, leaning to the side and trying to catch his eye, “It was an accident and there’s no harm done. Ready to rinse your mouth out?” Gabriel agreed but it took Paul’s help to raise the glass to his mouth.

“Think we’re safe to leave here?” Hugh asked, wanting nothing more than to get them all somewhere where they could sit or preferably lie. Gabriel breathed carefully through his mouth obviously considering his answer;

“I think I can probably make it back to mine,” he said carefully righting himself and moving back from the counter 

“Fuck no,” Paul said, neatly stepping in and supporting Gabriel as he reeled gently. 

“You need to come back to bed,” Hugh said much more diplomatically.

“I won’t, I can’t go back to sleep.”

“Well you certainly shouldn’t be alone. Come on, Paul will make us some tea and we’ll all sit under the covers.”

“But you should…”

“If you honestly think that either of us is just going to go back to sleep because you’ve taken yourself off back to your quarters then you really are in a state.” Paul pointed out. 

“I…”

“Discussion over,” Hugh declared, taking Gabriel’s hand and walking purposefully back towards the bedroom. Gabriel didn’t follow though and when his arm met resistance Hugh turned back to see what was wrong. “Love, are you going to be sick again?” he asked, seeing the look on his face.

“No,” came the quiet reply as he blinked and moved his eyes from the middle distance, “I just… I don't deserve you. Either of you. Both of you.”

“Shh,” Hugh said pulling him close and wrapping his arms tightly around him, “no good ever comes of thinking like that.” He wasn't sure what had sparked this particularly but he knew enough about what had happened with the Buran, the guilt Gabriel carried over it and what haunted his nightmares to suspect. “Shh,” he murmured into his shoulder, despite the fact that he wasn't really making any noise. Paul was there now too, standing close behind Gabe and gently stroking his hair.

It always took some time to get Gabriel to relax, even after a normal day, but this was a whole knew level. They stood there until Hugh lost the feeling in his feet, Gabriel's silent tears soaking Hugh’s shoulder before without further discussion Paul managed to steer them back towards the bed. Gabriel allowed himself to be steered, to be guided onto the bed and cocooned in the covers between them, but even tucked up against the seated Paul, he didn’t relax. Hugh curled in against them, gently stroking tense muscles and sharing silent conversations with Paul. It was almost time for them to get up for the day when finally Gabriel’s breathing slowed, his head slumped and the tension seemed to bleed from his frame. Paul caught his eye and leaning in, gently kissed him, his lips saying more than words could.

****

EPILOGUE

Gabriel knew he could justify most things to himself, knew he had done unforgivable things and that they would never leave him. This though, this was the worst yet. This treachery he was committing was so much more intimate that it felt somehow different, more raw. They had not only allowed him into their lives but welcomed him into their relationship and despite his best efforts there had been days when their care had been the only thing that had held him together and gotten him through. Even now, when his nerves were singing and the echoes of his nightmare still ringing all around him he wanted so much to accept the affection that was being offered. The realisation that he’d hurt Paul without even being aware of it had upset him more than he expected which in turn had sent him into this spiral. If he felt this way about smacking him while unconscious and bloodying his nose, how was he supposed to do what he knew had to?

He hadn’t set out to become embroiled in this relationship, hadn’t meant to care so much but he’d known from the start where this would end. All of his machinations, all of the seeds he had sown and webs he’d weaved were all leading inexorably to this point where he would betray their trust. Hugh kept telling him that it would be ok, that he could trust them and all the while he knew just how unworthy he was of their generosity. Worst of all, Gabriel knew he would do whatever it took anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. 
> 
> All thoughts welcome here or on twitter @LHA_again


End file.
